From Sexual Shame to Feminine Power: My Journey Through a Conscious Intimacy and Sexuality Retreat
A 5-day journey through conscious intimacy, shame, and self-liberation
I went to a conscious intimacy and sexuality retreat last week for five days. OMG. I learned so much about myself. It was incredibly intense — and I struggled at times.
I came up against all my triggers:
People don’t like me
I can’t connect to anyone
I feel alone
I’m not interesting enough, attractive enough, slim enough, young enough
I went through anxiety and intense vulnerability. At times, I couldn’t ask for what I wanted or needed. I know I’m afraid of rejection, and that became so clear in this space.
I saw how the protective part of me would rather compromise my happiness than be rejected. I see this really clearly now — and it has to stop.
It’s crazy, really. By protecting myself from the feeling of rejection (which I hold onto from my mother rejecting me), I realise I’ve been avoiding something that hurts anyway. The hurt of the unsaid need is the biggest betrayal to myself. So I might as well go for what I want — and maybe actually get it.
I struggled to say "no" in sessions, as I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. So I compromised myself for them. This is comfortable ground for me. I’ve done it all my life.
I recognised how I am desperately trying to live my life, yet resisting it and pushing it away at the same time.
It’s a painful, stressful way to be.
Always second-guessing yourself.
Always afraid of what may happen.
Always assuming the worst.
Always looking at others and thinking they’re ok — while you feel more alone.
But this is why I went to the festival.
I wanted to come up against all this shit that stops me from being me.
Bring it on!!
So at the same time as I was sinking, I allowed something else to flow.
I allowed myself to step into my vulnerability — and own it.
I started to share it with people and realised… most people were feeling the same.
Ritual, Grief & Being Held in Community
We had a beautiful program of events to help us gently start shedding the layers of protection. One ritual focused on grief. I saw how every single person in that space — around 110 people — carried hurt, pain, and sadness they needed to express.
We cried, shouted, wailed, or sat silent together as we expressed ourselves in a beautifully held space. We held each other, and I realised: I am not alone.
There was an altar where we could lay it all down — grief, rage, sadness, longing. The power of ritual is so misunderstood in our culture. I love it.
Somatic Release: Screaming My Way Into Belonging
We did a powerful exercise where we welcomed each other, one by one, into our ‘tribe’.
You would not believe the process I went through.
At first, as I was welcomed, I thought: "Aw, this is nice."
Then, as the time went on, my nervous system began to reject the welcome.
The inner critic began to whisper:
“They don’t mean it. It’s not real. They don’t welcome you.”
Intense anger started to build in my body. I felt so enraged at them trying to accept me!!!
And then — I screamed.
Literally.
Deep howls of pain surged from my body.
I was like a feral animal.
Years of feeling unlovable and rejected were finally coming out — in the expression I’ve been denied all my life.
OMG. What an experience.
I would never allow myself to do this usually. But… the time was now. It had to come out.
And as soon as I’d finished expressing, my heart opened.
I felt incredible peace.
And then — I could receive their love.
We Cannot Love in the Now If We’re Holding the Past
This is a lesson for all of us:
If we are holding onto pain from the past, we cannot love in the now.
No matter how much we think we’re loving or ‘over it,’ if we are not living in our truth and authenticity — we are not fully free.
And we know, deep down, when we’re not.
This is what shows up as our:
Stress
Mood swings
Illness
Anxiety
Fear
Hurt
Regret
Intimacy issues
Confidence problems
You name it — it’s there.
Only expression can heal and integrate our past.
Understanding it cognitively isn’t enough.
We must feel it. In the body.
Freedom is there, waiting — if we take the first steps into self..
Boundaries, Intimacy & Reclaiming My Body
Every night, there was a space where we could explore intimacy together. We did a lot of boundaries work to help us navigate this.
I’ve shared before that I was sexually abused as a child.
This experience robbed me of an open, loving relationship with myself and my body.
My boundaries were crossed before I even knew what boundaries were.
But my nervous system knew.
It knew I was unsafe.
I’ve been in freeze because of this for most of my life.
The shame of not having agency over my own body and sense of self… it lived in every cell.
I didn’t even know it was happening.
It’s shown up in my life as:
Playing small
Hiding
Not trusting myself
Struggling to put myself first
Feeling shame in my body
Not being able to enjoy pleasure
This festival helped me begin to shed those layers of shame.
It was so liberating.
It helped me see that:
✨ I am allowed to love myself and my body
✨ I am allowed to give and receive pleasure
✨ I am allowed to have desire — and express it clearly
I remembered that the desire for touch and intimacy is programmed into us.
It is natural. It is human.
It also helped me feel so much closer to men.
You beautiful men.
I love being around embodied male energy.
I’ve spoken before about how I’ve labelled most masculinity as toxic.
In one of my YouTube videos (Feminine Power needs this: masculinity), I list the toxic qualities of masculinity and femininity — and the pure, embodied ones as well.
I was around so many men who want the same thing as me.
To be seen.
To have their needs expressed and received.
To have their hearts acknowledged.
Just like me.
Just like every human being on the planet.
Just like the wounded world leaders whose unmet longings turn into power games and greed.
Above all, this weekend taught me:
I am allowed to be me.
I am allowed to be me.
I am allowed to be me.
Hello me.
Welcome home
Let’s Work Together
If these topics resonate with you please reach out.
This blog is from a longer video that you will find on my YouTube channel. You can subscribe, and share with anyone who might need it.
This journey isn’t meant to be done alone.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUyHEO8xxC1eh1fvYbuPtsg